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(April 1, 2001) The element gold, once-revered for its beauty and monetary function, has lately lost its lustre, its value, and its self-respect. If the current trend of falling prices continues, gold should trade for $0.00 by October, 2002. Gold is, after all, only gold. We sadly report its demise.
Scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health announced that the disease known for centuries as “gold fever” has been declared eradicated from the face of the earth. They claim there is no longer any sign on the planet of this once-prevalent malady.

NIMH spokeswoman Neddy Dread said “The last known case of gold fever afflicted one Nora Bestertester of Seacaucus, NJ, in 1984. Her case began when she learned the whereabouts of a stash of gold Krugerrands owned by an uncle that she didn’t particularly like. She was pronounced cured soon after when her doctor informed her how little they were actually worth.”

The American Association of Physical Sciences has petitioned to de-list gold from the Periodic Table of Elements to make way for more popular elements. “There’s a question of simple usefulness here,” said spokesman Seymour Results, “Why should this antiquated element, gold, have a prime location on an already crowded table? Maybe gold was popular in ancient Rome or something, but wake up, this is the 21st Century!”

Pirates, who once sailed the seas in search of golden treasures, have long since abandoned the quest for gold for more profitable fields, such as pirating software, CD’s, and designer clothing.

“Knocking off some Malaysian copies of Tommy Hilfiger sportswear makes you richer than hauling around a bunch of back-breaking metal.” asserted Pirate’s Union spokesman Sylvester “Scurvy” Blaggart. “You want treasure? Be the first to pirate DVD bootlegs of Julia Roberts’ latest flick over in Hong Kong – now there’s a treasure worth fighting for!” exclaimed Scurvy.

“Aaargghhh!,” the pirate added for good measure.

Rewriting the Bible and most of the world’s classic literature will take a while. But what's the sense in keeping all the old-fashion references to gold in Western culture?

So say goodbye to these phrases: golden rule, golden apple, golden calf, golden anniversary, golden opportunity, golden fleece, golden touch, golden handcuffs, (goose that laid) golden eggs, gold standard, golden years, heart of gold, streets of gold, (sitting on a) gold mine, golddigger, gold nugget, band of gold, golden mean, golden idol, gold rush, good as gold, goldbrick, Acapulco gold, golden oldies, goldurnit, and...

April Fool’s Gold!


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